At the start of September, I went through a breakup. It was a breakup that I saw coming. But it was also one that I had no idea how to handle, for many reasons. For one, it was my first. No template, no 'last time' - just the abyss of sad emptiness and misunderstanding. For two, it was not for the reason I thought it would be. For three, it just made no sense. We both loved each other, we were both attracted to each other - still, in the midst of this breakup - but somehow, my ex doing something wrong was not something he felt we could, or should, rectify, or work through. It was a sudden, and messy end.
And it got messier. After the breakup, we slept together a few times, months after. Despite him pursuing another girl. Despite having not had sex for the duration of our relationship. It made even less sense, and I was so numb to it. I legitimately remember enjoying myself, being glad to have this physicality between us back, something that we had lost for so long. It felt like a distance between us was bridging. But then it would end, and then it was back. I felt far away, I felt like everything was wrong. All the time, even when we'd been together. And the worst part? He was, and had been for much longer than we'd been together, my best friend. And all I could feel was this ugly disconnect.
I had always thought that being with your best friend would be perfect - that certain things that had to be revealed and acted upon would be much easier knowing someone had your back. To be honest, I don't know how I would have honestly expressed my discomfort with intimacy with anybody else. In one instance, we were lying in bed together. I had always avoided getting too close but I was so physically at home with him, and that discord confused him, I guess. He asked me if I didn't want to have sex with him, and I tried inadequately to explain to him that it wasn't that. Only half jokingly, he told me he'd be cool with it if this was how I figured out that I was a lesbian. I weirdly appreciated that, and it made me want to fuck him even more. It almost happened that night, but it didn't. Maybe if it had, we wouldn't have ended the way we did... But instead, he got blue balls and we stumbled into a downward spiral.
It wasn't perfect, we weren't perfect. But I was fucking happy. And losing him made me so fucking unhappy. I didn't just lose him after we broke up. I could feel myself losing him throughout that last few weeks, everything just getting worse and worse. And the sadness I felt from that worsened the way he felt about us, and absolutely everything crumbled. I've now gone through so many different stages of losing him, and every one feels worse than the last. And the most recent loss? Him going back to the ex that he cheated on to be with me. The ex who was so paranoid about our closeness that she warned him against the exact thing he went and did with me. The ex who became so uncomfortable with us as a pair that she told him he couldn't see me any more, while we were dating. He says that he won't let this affect us, but it already has. I know he's kept things from me about the whole situation, and as he well knows, that is my one thing. I literally don't care about much else in a relationship except not being lied to. And anyway, how can I trust a person who looks to love someone who hates our connection so deeply? Again, I feel myself pulling away.
And I'm trying to do the done thing - putting him in my past, trying to move on and invest in other people so that I can maybe one day feel the same way about someone else. I am trying, but I struggle. Sometimes I can't see the point, and on other days, I realise how much the thing I had was the thing that I always wanted and nothing really can replace the feeling of how good that relationship was when it was good. Even with this distance I've created, some part of me still loves him. Some part of me that occasionally rises to the surface still sees this future with him, and knows - not even believes - that it could all still work, could all still come back around. But that requires growth, from both of us and while I believe in myself and that I could eventually get to where I need to be, I don't have that same faith in him anymore.
I don't believe we'll ever be the same again. And that really breaks my heart because I have never met someone where it all just worked in the same way it did with him. I never needed to be a certain way, and I knew I was loved just the way I was. Maybe that was the problem though - we had never needed to 'Talk', so I think in situations where we should have, we just didn't. We just hoped our feelings would be enough to get us through. But how can they when I deeply distrust what people say and he could never feel the love I knew I felt for him or believe me when I told him of it?
I have a lot of regrets coming out of this relationship, or rather (at this point) situationship. But after all of this time, I don't regret being with him at all. I realised a lot. I have come out the other side knowing that there are certain things I cannot compromise on. I can't handle poor communication, and I can't deal with expectations of longterm commitment at this point in my life. I know that wanting to adopt, knowing that I don't want to carry a child, is a feeling that is here to stay, and that the "you'll change your mind" thing is a warning sign. I know I cannot humour insecurities - I need to be believed when I express my feelings. And the truth remains as important to me as ever. And every part of that is valuable knowledge I will carry into every further relationship I develop. I have faith that soon, someone and something will come along that is right for me. Someone that understands that I am an independent being, but loves me as if I needed them. Someone that sees my complexities, and makes an effort to understand them. Someone that makes me feel more beautiful than I do myself and who is consistent and stable. He was a lot of that, yes, but he couldn't manage to be all of it. At least at that time... but I don't think I'll ever stop loving him. I guess that's just the way things go sometimes, huh?
I titled this post 'I Wish I Didn't Love You...' months ago, when I first began writing. I don't even really remember when that was. I was going through a tough time with it all, then I was doing better, then the last week was bad again. I don't feel the same anymore though. I love the time I spent with him. I love the love I had for him. I'm just sad it couldn't last, that's all. But I'll bounce back - I know it. I'll find another person, one day, who makes me feel less like The Undesirable I've always known myself to be.
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